Neurodiversity: When Friday night feels like a shaken can of soft drink

Have you ever seen a can of soft drink explode?

When I was a teenager, the shop across the road from church would sell their out-of-date cans for 5 cents apiece—a deal my friends and I could not turn down! Before evening church, we’d each spend a few dollars on a bundle of cans. We would drink one, but the rest we’d shake and throw them around the church carpark until they exploded, spewing forth their colourful, sticky contents like discount fireworks. We thought it was awesome.

But imagine if you were the can.

Imagine if, through no fault of your own, you were made in a way that meant even small interactions and hardships throughout the day sent everything inside you whirling and fizzing tumultuously. Then, imagine being shaken just one too many times, so that at the slightest bump your “calm” exterior punctures and the chaos inside explodes out— coating everyone nearby in a sticky mess.

For many neurodivergent young people, this metaphor can reflect their experience. It can be overwhelming, unpredictable, and hard to contain the strong feelings bubbling inside. Social situations, sensory input, or sudden changes might feel like persistent “shaking” —the eventual explosion is often misinterpreted as simply disruptive behaviour.

As leaders in youth and kids’ ministry, our desire is to create spaces where every young person feels safe, seen, and supported as they grow in our Bible-based, relational community. To achieve this, we often use games or activities— to build connection, foster fun, and ease social interaction. But for some neurodivergent kids, the way we run these games may unintentionally be working against our goal and instead add to the pressure they’re already feeling.

So how can we lead more thoughtfully and inclusively? Here are a few ways to begin:

1. Understand their experience

When a neurodivergent young person seems to struggle with instructions, it’s most often not a matter of unwillingness but of differing abilities and needs—it’s not that they won’t, but that they can’t. Their neurological makeup means they likely have challenges with executive functioning skills, auditory processing, or sensory regulation. They genuinely may not be able to process and respond to verbal information in the same way as their neurotypical peers. Remembering the phrase “can’t, not won’t” will be a helpful guiding principle.

Timing matters, too. Friday nights may be especially tough - the week’s social, sensory, and emotional load has built up and they’ve been holding it together for longer than we realise. Also, medication may be wearing off— which can be a tumultuous experience in itself as the brain chemistry resets itself. What might look like “acting out” may just be the overflow from a week of trying to keep it together as their metaphorical can is being shaken.

Our job is to see their reality with empathetic eyes and meet them where they are at, rather than where we assume they should be.

2. Prioritise relationship

Trust is foundational in any ministry—and especially vital for neurodivergent children and teens. Building trust must be a deliberate priority. This isn’t just to make things easier for us as leaders, but to ensure the space feels safe for them. When they feel safe and understood, they’re more likely to respond positively to our efforts to help— even when things are challenging. When there is little or no relational trust, you can guarantee things will be harder.

Prioritising the relationship will mean that when a young person is “acting out,” we will consider what their actions might be trying to communicate. Behaviours are often the language of unmet needs or discomfort. Instead of confronting them in your frustration, try asking: “What’s making this hard for you right now?”

Genuine curiosity and compassion go a long way in forging a relationship of trust. If you find this is a struggle, don’t forget you can always pray to our supremely compassionate and relational God to help you grow in this area!

3. Be deliberate and thoughtful with activities

Often when it gets to Friday, all we can manage to do is roll out one of the same five games that we seem to play on repeat because it’s easy and doesn’t require much organisation. I get it, we’re all busy. But when we are deliberate and thoughtful in our planning and execution of games and activities, we make it so much more achievable, enjoyable and inclusive for everyone. A few things to consider:

·        Rethink competition: Many neurodiverse children, particularly those with ADHD, struggle with the emotional regulation and the kind of social negotiation that comes with competitive environments. It can be hard even for young people who are neurotypical to make good decisions during competition when emotions are running high. But the annoyances that the neurotypical experience as a “stone in their shoe” can feel more like a boulder to the neurodivergent. Consider mixing up the kinds of games you run— try cooperative or collaborative games or at least offer alternative ways for neurodiverse young people to engage in the activity (e.g. try asking them to help you run the game or be the scorekeeper).

·        Consider transitions: Abrupt changes of direction or mood when moving from one activity to another can be difficult to navigate, especially when it is unexpected. Use clear signals, visual cues, or transitional phrases (“In two minutes we’re going to switch to our Bible time…”) to prepare them mentally and emotionally. Repeating instructions kindly can help everyone stay on track—especially those who may need extra time to process.

·        Finishing well: The end of a game—especially one that’s fun and high-energy—can feel jarring. Avoid unpredictable endings like “next goal wins” as this can feel unfair and destabilising for someone who is already struggling with the numerous “shakes of the can” that competition inevitably involves. Instead, aim to end with a predictable, calming routine that reduces the intensity of the game, helps regulate emotions and reduces the stress of abrupt changes. For example, you could finish each game the same way with a fun group ritual like a slow-motion high five, or a goofy team chant to bring everyone together on the same page in a light-hearted and predictable way.

·        Offer choices: Give options when possible. Can they opt out of the noisy game? Could they help set up instead? One youth group I recently visited had a loud competitive game going on in the youth hall, while a lower-energy activity (such as a card game or board game) was happening in a separate space. This provided an excellent alternative for those who otherwise would have been completely overwhelmed in the hall. Providing choices like this can promote a sense of agency which reduces stress, increases buy-in, and helps everyone feel like they are able to participate.

·        Consider the environment: Sensory overload is real. Bright lights, loud music, chaotic movement—while fun for some, these can overwhelm others. This is true not only for kids with ADHD or ASD—any child with trauma in their background may be vulnerable to sensory overload. It can be a hard line to navigate because we also want young people to enjoy some high-energy fun! The key to striking this balance is thoughtful observation and deliberate intentionality— creating space to express fun and energy, while also honouring the needs of those who need calm.

·        The power of a predictable routine: being aware of the routine ahead of time can also ease the tensions. E.g. the stability of knowing that there will always be both a quiet and a loud activity, can remove some of the uncertainty neurodiverse young people may feel. A predictable routine, a social story[1] or flagging changes ahead of time can make all the difference. 

Being a leader who loves like Jesus

As ministry leaders who seek to follow the example of Jesus, we are called to love and serve young people where they are at— with compassion, patience, and grace. Our neurodivergent younger brothers and sisters are often living in a world that “shakes them up” more than it soothes them, and we have the privilege of being a steadying presence in their week.

Let’s be the kind of thoughtful and intentional leaders who consider the diverse range of needs of the young people Jesus sends our way. Let’s be leaders who love, listen, plan, and create a welcoming space for everyone to belong to the body of Christ.

[1] See this article by Bec Baines for more information about how a social story can help.