Leadership Skills: three ways to listen more deeply
“I don’t remember saying that.”
“Was that really what we discussed?”
“I didn’t mean that when I said this…”
As the old saying goes, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
One of the most valuable tools in a ministry team leader’s toolbox isn’t just the ability to speak clearly—it’s the ability to listen deeply. Because when leaders fail to listen, communication breaks down. And when communication breaks down, teams struggle.
The wisdom of listening is clear in Scripture. James 1:19 reminds us: ‘Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.’
Deep listening is crucial for fostering relationships, building rapport, and establishing trust. It’s a key tool that can strengthen your leadership and communication in ministry. I’d like to share three practical ways we can listen more deeply.
1) Listen to what is actually being said
This may seem obvious, but how often have we noticed someone glazed over mid-conversation, with their mind elsewhere? It is all too easy to hear the words being spoken and nod along without really comprehending what the other person is saying. To lead well, we need to truly hear what others are saying. Feeling genuinely heard is often where trust begins.
In ministry, it’s tempting to stop listening and start planning what to say next. We are always eager to say something meaningful and helpful! But Proverbs 18:13 reminds us: ‘To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.’
Practical steps you can take:
Listen for something new: Sometimes we stop listening because we assume we know what the person is saying. Often this is based on what we know of them already and what they’ve said to us before. If this is a temptation for you, remind yourself to listen for ‘something new’. It’s a way to reset our approach to the conversation that helps us listen better.
Check you’ve understood: Especially with tough or deep conversations, it can be helpful to check you’ve understood by rephrasing or summarising what you heard. “I’ve heard you saying… Is that correct?” In this case, a closed-ended question can also be helpful. The person speaking has permission to say, “Yes, you’ve understood” or “No, what I mean is...”
Distraction-proof your conversation: Avoid having meaningful conversations immediately after church or in busy environments. Close your laptop, silence your phone, and give your full attention. A calm, focused space helps the person feel genuinely heard and valued.
2) Listen to what is not being said
Communication goes far beyond words. Nonverbal cues, pauses, and silences can tell us a lot about how someone is really feeling. In ministry, people may outwardly agree with an idea while inwardly churning with uncertainty. Deep listening means noticing these subtleties.
Practical steps you can take:
Notice the silence: When are people silent in the conversation? They might just be taking a moment to think – which is fine. However, they might be struggling with the idea or concept or finding it difficult to put their thoughts or feelings into words. When you notice the silence, take a moment to reflect on its cause. It’s helpful to be okay with the silence and not rush to fill the pauses. Often, people will reveal more when given space.
Observe nonverbal cues: Posture, gestures, tone, and expression all reveal emotion. Ask yourself: when did the tone or body language change? What might that mean?
Use open-ended questions: As Michael Bungay Stanier reminds us in The Coaching Habit, ‘Answers are closed rooms; and questions are open doors that invite us in.’[1] Questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How did that make you feel?” give people room to share what’s really on their hearts.
3) Listen to what you have actually said
Leaders also need to listen to themselves. In Luke 6:45 Jesus reminds us that the mouth speaks what is in the heart. Our pride, worries, and insecurities can surface in conversations without us even realising it. Reflecting on our own words and tone is a crucial aspect of effective leadership. Listening deeply includes listening to what you, as the leader, might actually be saying.
Practical steps you can take:
Check your nonverbals: What is your tone, posture, and expression communicating? Are you frustrated? Does your body language shift when someone disagrees?
Reflect on your words: Consider how your words might be received. Could anything be misunderstood? Can your message be clearer?
Invite feedback: Ask a trusted friend, “When I communicate, what do you hear most often from me?” Honest feedback helps us grow.
Set culture with your words: What we say—and don’t say—shapes the team’s culture. Are we regularly encouraging others? Do we communicate openness, or do our silences unintentionally signal disinterest or disapproval? Do you model deep listening for your ministry team?
In ministry, effective leadership involves more than just speaking clearly; it involves listening deeply and understanding both spoken and unspoken communication. By being attentive to nonverbal cues and fostering an environment of open communication, leaders can build stronger, more cohesive teams that reflect the love and understanding exemplified by Christ. To listen well is to live out the wisdom of James and Proverbs, bringing both clarity and care to the people we lead.
[1] Stanier, Michael Bungay. The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way you Lead Forever. Box of Crayons Press, Toronto 2016, p.42.
